Jeremy's Ramblings, Babblings, and Other Pretentious Bullshit.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
"President" Bush has asked for our support and unity. So to easier comply, I have made a guide that you and your friends can use to make Bush's job easier for the next four years. As we all know, it's hard work being President. So here's how you can do your part...
PEOPLE 18 TO 26:
Enlist in the Army. This way Bush can veto Senate Bill S89 (currently in legislation) and keep his promise that he will not reinstate the draft. C'mon, kids, put down your bongs and rap records! Halliburton needs you to go and kill people who never attacked us!
RICHEST ONE PERCENT OF THE NATION:
Mug everyone who makes less money than you and take their wallets. This will save Bush the trouble of having to give you more tax cuts. All that paperwork is just going to slow him down.
MIDDLE- OR LOWER-CLASS:
If you see a well-groomed man in a suit running at you with a gun, just suck it up and hand over your wallet.
Fire all of your employees and learn to speak Hindi. Trust me, you won't regret it.
Don't get too attached to your cubicle. Best to take down your wall decorations.
CITIZENS OF INDIA:
Take some typing lessons. Your economy's about to get a whole lot better. Oh, and keep making those funny Bollywood movies.
Your president is going to hold "super exclusive press conferences" in which you will have a chance to personally fellate your Commander-in-Chief. Even the leader of the free world needs a good B.J. every so often. And please keep his ejaculate in your mouth so as not to ask probing questions.
DEMOCRATS, PROTESTORS, ARTISTS, AIR AMERICA, DAILY SHOW, MICHAEL MOORE, ETC.:
Shut the hell up, you unpatriotic bastards! You're tearing our nation apart, you damn hippies! No, I'm not listening! Not listening! La la la la la la la la!
You made the choice to be gay. Now make the choice to go back to being straight. It's that easy, bummers.
Just keep chasing your dream. It makes us laugh.
Please do not try to attack us. And please do not set up headquarters in Iraq by taking advantage of the shoddy border patrol. Then please do not sneak into the U.S. using our slightly less shoddy border patrol. And please, please do not let your plans leak out so that the White House can receive a memo one month before you attack. Lord help me, if they receive a memo like that, they're just going to ignore it.
Just kill yourself. Frankly, it will make everything much easier.
FUNDAMENTALISTS, CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIANS:
Keep praying. Your president won two elections by what can only be divine intervention, so who's to say he can't win a THIRD? Sure, it's not legal, but neither is getting a federal court to settle a state matter, and that's how you won the first time!
Repeat after me: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, terrorism, terrorism, terrorism, gay marriage, gay marriage, gay marriage, Amen, Amen, Amen. Now just keep repeating that.
We're waiting for your endorsement of Bush. His address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. We know you're talking directly to him already, so now it's time to talk directly to his supporters. C'mon, J.C., you don't want us invading Heaven, do you?
CRAWFORD RANCH EMPLOYEES:
Bush is going to want to spend another 44% of his presidency at the ranch. Make sure to keep it clean.
LEADERS OF NORTH KOREA, IRAN AND SAUDI ARABIA:
Whatever. Keep doing what your doing. We don't give a shit.
KARL ROVE AND DICK CHENEY:
Just keep fucking up our nation so that you and your friends can own the world.
So now you know what to do. Get to it, people of America! There are countries to invade, people to kill, money to make (not for you, of course, but SOMEONE has to take possession of it). Bush bless America!
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