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Jeremy's Ramblings, Babblings, and Other Pretentious Bullshit.
Monday, November 15, 2004
 
I have the solution on how we can take the next election away from whatever ultra-conservative candidate Karl Rove is going to give us in 2008. We need to find a candidate who can combine the progressive ideas that the blue states love and the down-home-boy religious ideals that the red states seem to go for. So I present to you, the next President of the United States...BILLY JOE HANSON!

HANSON: Howwwwwwwwdy, y'all! You done got Billy Joe here, and I's wanna be your nexx Pres'dent of Amer'ca! WOO HAH!!! That's excitin' stuff, ain't it? I just loves sayin' it. I'S GONNA BE PRES'DENT!!! Now I know y'all's are wond'rin' what I's all about, huh? Well, lemme jus hitch up my overalls and I'll tell y'all.

Now, I know that y'all's ain't gonna agree with all's I got to say, now. For instant, I don't mind the gays. They's wants to be gays and get all married and all, I's got no problem with that. That's they business. Don't affect me none. 'Sides, they's all up north, anywho. Not doin' us no harm no how.

I also gots some problems with having some guns. Nows, I'm not sayin' take away all the guns. I's jus talkin' 'bout not having BIG guns. 'Sides, y'all's don't need big guns. Y'all's can still defend your land wit a small gun. 'Sides, big gun's not as easy to shoot in the air when y'all's celebratin'. WOO HOO!!!

(Fires handgun into the air while dancing a jig)

But although I's a Democrat, I's got lots in common with you. Much more than them's Republicans. Y'all voted for that Bush feller twice, 'cause you think he's like y'all and knows what y'all need. That jus ain't true.

Bush is a big millionaire billionaire pansy mama. He's all lightin' his cigars with hunnerd dollar bills. He and all his millionaire billionaire friends jus be makin' more money for each other. They don't care about us.

Look at me. I ain't gots no teeth. That's 'cause I can't afford no dental care with Bush bein' the Pres'dent. Just like y'all. Heck, I can't even chew straw anymore. None of us ain't got no money, right? That's 'cause of Bush. He's a business-type man, and he ain't a good business-type man. He don't know how to make money. 'Member your Uncle Neil who kept his earnings in a coffee can? 'Member how Cousin Hank came in and jus took it one day? Bush is like Uncle Neil and his business-type friends is like Cousin Hank.

How many of y'all here because y'ain't got no jobs? C'mon, now, don't be shy. There y'are, there's one. And you, sir. And you, ma'am. Jee howdy, good golly miss molly, done look like most people here ain't got no jobs. Me, neither. Bush took 'em all away. Can't give a guy a job if y'ain't got no money to pays him, right? And they's givin' them to guys in other countries what can't speak English as good as us, jus so they's can pay 'em less than they's payin' us.

Now I know what y'all's are sayin'. Bush is goin' after those terrorists. Nah, he ain't. We still ain't got that Osama Bin Whoosy guy that done attacked New York. And that Saddam guy? He never done attacked us. Heck, he never threatened to attack us until we's start messin' with him. Thas jus fightin' back. Shore, Saddam ain't a good guy, but they's other worse guys we ain't goin' after. Y'all know that North Korea gots nucular-type stuff that they's makin' to blow us up? Thas 'cause Bush ain't tellin' y'all's that, and he's lyin' to you 'bout Saddam.

So he's sendin' your boys and girls to somewhere they shouldn't be, and he don't know how to get 'em out. It's like when your brother-in-law Jed done borrowed your truck, then said that he was fixin' it up to make it all nice and shiny, but really he done sold it to the Stevenson's 'cross the street. That ain't right!

Y'all's are also sayin' that Bush is a religious man. Bush ain't that religious. He done don't go to church all that much. I goes to church all's the time. I loves Jesus. He's my main man. My buddy. My compadre. Jesus is jus alright with me.

So if y'all's are electin' me to be y'all's Pres'dent, I's gonna do some things for you. First off, I's gonna bring your jobs back to you. Ain't gonna let no foreign guys take your jobs away from you no more. Also, I's done not gonna give no more tax breaks to them millionaire billionaires. They done don't need it. And if I don't keep that promise, I'll eat my straw hat.

I'm gonna also work to get your boys back to you from Iraq. Granted, it'll take a lil' while, 'cause my mamma always said you gotta leave a place cleaner than you found it. But I'll bring 'em back, and then we're gonna go hunting for Osama. Woo wee, terrorists make good eatin'!

'Sides, can your Pres'dent right now do this?

(Does a mean jig while playing the washboard and singing:)

The G.O.P. went walkin'
One rainy summer night.
A terrorist came up to 'em
And gave 'em quite a fright.
They's shakin' at the shins.
They jumped out of they skins.
They all ran off like sissies,
'Cause you know the Right ain't right.

(Does a yodel)

So now when Bush and those other Republicans done give you some slick guy in a suit says he wants your vote, think of your ole friend, Billy Joe Hanson. 'Cause who do you want running the country? Some guy who follows Bush's ideas of taking away your money, jobs and children...or a guy who can play the spoons like a Heavenly choir? God Bless y'all, and Amer'ca!

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