Jeremy's Ramblings, Babblings, and Other Pretentious Bullshit.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Embarrassment, and I'm talking pure, unbridled embarrassment, doesn't happen to me very often. If ever. I almost never get fully embarrassed to the point where I just want to walk away from the situation and try to forget that it ever happened. ALMOST never. It used to be never until last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, last night was the worst performance I ever gave...ever. I'm talking worse than "The King & I" in the third grade when I hammed up my one and only line ("Walk on water???"). Worse than when I tried (and miserably failed) to play an old man in "Harvey" my senior year. This was the uber-suck. The ultimate in bad. I'll write to you about it, but I couldn't tell you if you asked me, because my voice is fucking GONE!!!
I'd had a sore throat all day. Okay, no big news. I can get over it, it's happened before. I was sucking lozenges, cough drops, hard candies, teas, water, anything and everything like there was no tomorrow (or even day after tomorrow...starring Jake Gyllenhaal). Still, the throat was sore. Fine, I've sung with a sore throat. I've got - in all modesty - a powerful voice that can battle through being sore. Right?
Okay, so then how come from the first moment that I stepped on stage, I couldn't hit one single fucking note??? Not one. During my big song, I'm sitting in an electric chair, going off on this crazy rant, singing really high notes, and every single other night I nailed that sucker like I was a hammer. But tonight, I get about 20 seconds into my song, and I realized that I have not hit one single note right. They've all come out through this distorted frog filter that's making me sound like a direct descendent of Jimmy Durante.
So I say to myself, "Alright, then, I'm just going to Rex Harrison this fucker!" I start talking the song. And since it's a crazy rant, I soon start yelling the song. Which isn't making my already strained voice any happier. By the time I was done, I realized that I had never sung that way in front of people ever. That was the worst vocal performance I have ever had. You know those American Idol rejects that are so incredibly funny because they can't carry a tune? Multiply that by five. That's where I was. I could carry a tune, I couldn't carry a note. I wasn't even singing in the wrong key, I WASN'T SINGING ANY KEY!!! I'm up on stage doing my best Harvey Fierstein impersonation, and I can just feel people cringing. Do you know what it's like to feel people cringing at something that you're doing? Especially when the weekend prior they were telling you how great of a voice you had?
My song ends, and I retreat off-stage, pretending to have some dignity. I soon start sucking down a TON of water to try and salvage whatever's left of my voice. I realize what a mistake that is about a half-hour later, when I suddenly realize that I need to pee REALLY bad. Now for those of you who haven't seen the show, I spend a great deal of time behind the set, where there is no accessible bathroom. From the time I enter the theatre, which is around 7:00, to the time that I exit into the lobby after singing "Another National Anthem", which is around 9:30, I cannot pee. Which is bad when I'm sucking down so much water. So it's about 8:30, and I realize that there's no way I can hold it for another hour. I also come to the realization that there's a good chance I could pee myself during my next song. So I ask everyone to kindly turn their backs, I take my water bottle (which has very little water in it by this point), and I quietly and inconspicuously relieve myself in it. That's what it had come down to, folks. I was pissing in a bottle backstage!!! I couldn't sing, could barely speak, and I'm pissing into my own drinking water.
Now, I'm on vocal rest. I have a cup of water and a cup of tea next to me. I have a hot towel wrapped around my neck to decrease the swelling. I cheer myself up by looking at the good reviews we got in the Orange County Register and L.A. Times (the Times! I was actually mentioned in the Los Angeles Times, one of the country's largest newspapers! Top of the world, ma!), and by reminding myself that no one that I knew was in the audience. And then of course, I vent out my frustration (and, yes, embarrassment) on this post.
So be glad you weren't there last night. As for me, I'm going to lay down and worry about what tonight's show can bring. I doubt it could be any worse than last night's. Famous last words........

I saw your show last night again with a couple other people. Once again, you're still a favorite =) Gotta admit I have a crush on Sean though.. met him after the show. *blushes* But you did great!
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